Here’s looking at you kid

Birthday’s for me is one of the most sacred celebrations that you can have each year, it is the only time that you can make demands, plan and be festive without objections from anyone. I am perhaps one of the few people who make their birthdays an excuse to carry out what they have been planning since the week after their previous celebration.

Each year I make it a point to surround myself with only two groups of people, very,very close friends and family in particular my Marcelo cousins both of which enjoy two of the things that would be uncharacteristic if I abstain either, dancing and drinking.

In a conservative family like mine it was customary to throw a “party” with the extended family, something that I became really unenthusiastic about once I turned 16. But since 2006 I have been celebrating MY DAY differently, it was christened by my mothers attempt to throw a surprise birthday celebration two years in a row.

Some of my birthday highlights were having literally the birthday blues (flu) in 2006 I had literally the birthday blues, being drunk out of my wits in 2007 with the biiitches and the Marcelo cousins in successive days and finally in 2008, the beginning of my supposedly quarter life crisis, I went bar hopping in Taguig with my cousins and I got the most beautiful pair of shoes I own to date.

A week from now I would be turning 26 and I would be in Singapore, working. Perhaps this is one of the bitter realities of getting older, there would be more frequent times when you can never have days you can call your own. What’s even harder is thinking that you have nothing to show for it. But I have to constantly remind myself that although I have set myself to having achieved more than my current status, I still have one thing that keeps me functioning and grounded.

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have set an ultimatum to myself to make things better and somehow I still fall short because of two major things: fear and laziness. The first is encompassing but lately I realized I just have to surrender, that I cannot plan everything because as of now planning has led me to nowhere. At 26 I am certain I have nothing to show for, at least in my standards. As for laziness well, time is one thing I can never get back and I lost a lot of it.

As I blow out my candles this year I hope to have the courage to make mistakes so that I can begin living my life without fear of being unprepared and I pray to have enough strength to overcome the uncertainties of life.

The ironic thing is by next year, I just plan to live my life. ☺

Baby you need a wake up call…

Life is too short to live in fear. I agree with this principle however I believe I have never put this into practice. I consider myself to be a calculative person. It can be traced down to the undisclosed expectations that my parents have set upon me. And this is perhaps the same reason that I tend to be in constant hesitation when it comes to taking sabbaticals and just letting the experience sink in. In hindsight I know that I cannot afford the luxury of instability because if something happens the weight is on my shoulders. For me there is no reason not to move, that whatever is lacking would soon find me along the way, that whatever it is, it can catch up with me.

Unfortunately though that has not been the case. For years I have been working my ass off for a vague direction. With cards laid out, I decided to give it another chance and that maybe it can redeem itself. I also hoped that the goal would somehow take into shape.

Life is indeed too short, a few weeks back I had the absolute awakening to the point that I somehow doubted my accomplishments and for a moment I thought to myself that it was borderline insignificant because I can never call it truly mine, it was not original.

To be blunt about it, I am a damn good help and as the cliché goes I can work well under minimal supervision. True to the saying that no one in indispensable, the reality is, it‘s just plain tasking to train someone else.

A few days back a friend of mine asked me what I would want to happen to my life in general, I just shrugged. It is not because I didn’t know what I wanted to happen in the next few months, it was more of I know that I can make a thousand excuses for each one of them not to materialize.

Compared to my peers, they have accomplished far more that I have. Some are published authors /writers others associate editors or bank managers and most of them are entrepreneurs with disposable incomes displayed in luxury handbags as proofs. I am proud of each one of them because they deserve every bit of success that comes along their way. But in conversations of inadequacies of endeavors with these same friends I prefer to keep mum because we all set personal standards of success and somehow I seemed to be left behind.

This is not a pity post.

This is me telling myself that it’s time to do something about it.

So what do I want to happen in my life?

I want to stop being cautious and leave room for spontaneity.
Most of all I just want to stop being scared.

ME in a state of quiet panic

We all know the saying “When one door closes another one opens” or sometimes it can be just a window, a window of opporunity. Lately though nothing seems to be going  how I hoped it would be.

I consider myself to be a moderately ambitious person and a semi- optimist. When all else fails, reason or logic, I tend to double my efforts in prayer not for me to get what I want but more so for me to learn to accept what had happened.

When April began I called for an emergency tripod meeting, I was ready to give up, to be rutheless for once. But for some weird twist of circumstance I woke up late the next day and all plans the night before disappeared. All in all I think I was still chicken shit to execute my move.

The following work week though was “independence day” I was able to set out a few network connections hoping that a form of  salvation can come out from those efforts. True enough a glimmer of hope materialized within a few days and just like before it was just that, a glimmer.

Is this what they call the quater life crisis? Such a cliche…

I was never good in chess, hell I don’t think I even know how to play the game. If for anything I am hell bent on being a “save for a rainy day” chick that  ” sly, cunning,calculative bordering manipulative” dame. I’m boring like that.

There would always be someone who would be one step ahead of you. Someone who would be achieving your dream career or treading your ideal path but since I have been self centered lately, I feel that it happens to me more often than most. And like a knee jerk reflex, i get pissed off then I have to pray and remind myself that I should be happy for them, it is not their fault they knew what they wanted to do first, or that it is what fate has lined up for them, it’s just that, FATE.

Like most people my age I am tired. I need to do something for myself, irresponsibly or courageously and it needs to happen fast.

ME SEASON on travelling

There are quite a few thoughts running through my head right now. Since I haven’t written anything for awhile I will try to sum them all up into one post or successive posts.

I vowed 2009 to be ME season, and by this the list of things to do begins with travelling, career and “doing something original” as a friend puts it. So far I have reached two destinations that I have never been in and I planned to do more in the course of this year.

February-Palawan;  March-Batangas; April- well  it’s Holy Week season.I was wondering if will the Lord forgive me if I choose to travel while doing bisita iglesia instead of just staying in Manila and doing the vigil? I also plan to go to Zambales this month even if I do not get to try surfing I just want to see a body of water.

If only I had the means, this monthis the time to book domestic or international flights via Cebu Pacific because they are offering seat sales with the travel period of July-December. But for now I opted to save for the rainy day, I have always been a semi-calculative person when it comes to decision making, it seems that spontaneitydoes not agree with me because the only time I decided to take matters into my own hand for my 25th birthday I ended up spending a whole lot for nothing, lesson learned the hard way.

Travelling for me, like to the rest of you is a means of escape. But my traveling itinerarythese days are more for emotional stability that just plain enjoyment. Recently I had a discussion/ argument withsomeone close to me about travel intentions. He misunderstood my want to travel as choosing who I would rather be with than the experience. Perhaps I failed to explain to him that as part of the 2009 ME season principle, I am choosing to take on opportunities to experience new things and see more places than the usual because like I have said im my previous post, I feel like I am running out of time.

We never resolved that argument, and I realized that night that I might have come off as selfish because I was thinking more of myself, what I wanted and what I felt I needed. There can be second part of discussion but it would not happen anytime soon, I can be hopeful though that when that time comes I can better articulate my point or at least one of us would give in.

On travel companions…

Two of my top most passions is traveling and discovering new places of dining. Both activities I believe should require a companion who can either be lenient or should more or less have the same taste and philosophy as yours.

During the latter part of 2008 a series of events brought me back to a sense of myself that was lost during the past years, in a good way. So for 2009 a few of my friends decided to take on domestic travelling as part of a “girls thing” and in that experience we were all extraordinarily enlightened.

Traveling together maybe considered one of the best tests of any relationship, from flight bookings, hotel bookings to itinerary planning the individual travel style is revealed. In my experience, though locally I can be a royal pain in terms of kaartehan-which I cannot still accept,I believe that I am an easy travel companion as long as I do not get seasick.

For future reference, in choosing travel buddies  be prepared for the unexpected, always pack extra patience and a good sense of humor. There would always be room for laughter and drama but most importantly remember to keep it light, everything in moderation they say.  And whatever happens while you are on vacation should stay there, do not travel home with excess baggage.

The destination and itinerary…

In these trying times traveling should be a well thought of  form of “entertainment”. I define it as such and not as a luxury because traveling in general need not to be in an exotic paradise island or high end resorts personally it just needs to fall into a few key characteristics, somewhere I have never been to and the itinerary should either be adventure driven or detoxification driven or both preferably and clean bathrooms. 

These aspects should be well discussed before travelling with someone, so as not to be confused as to how one should be programmed during the trip. It might be because of my current predicament but I value every opportunity that can take me out of the city and transport me to something refreshing. It is during those few moments that I can pretend that everything is okay or that it would be okay and this not a sense of enlightenment that some people have when they take long trips, it is more of a state of denial.

So before anyone of you heads out to the beach or just drive out of town be wary of your companions and your destinations. A trip nowadays is not just a trip, it has always been a form of escape but now it seems to me it is  even a desperate mean to freeze time.

Traveling these days for me is much more meaningful and everytime I choose to go out it is more about me. To reclaim what I have lost along the way, to regain my sense of self. Recently I have been reaching out to old girlfriends and it was quite surprising that they share the same sentiments. “It’s good to have ME back”.

The best travel companion is undeniably yourself.

So forgive me, if for the following months I might be self absorbed or self centered, I am just in a major crossroad in my life where I realized that I might not just know who I am afterall. As hard as this sounds I hope you would not take this personally. The changes and the situations around me affect me much more that I want it.

I’m as raw as a cat.

 

The things I want to write about but do not have the time

1. My Rude Awakening.  Sher’s take on quarter life crisis.

2. Fritzl Case. Nicole’s Recant. Freedom for a convicted  pedophile Romeo Jalosjos and how large scale criminals are one by one released. I would hate to say this but this smells like a large conspiracy for 2010 election, my poor country.

3. I need to watch the Godfather movies.

4. Shopping free for almost half a month and it’s so hard.

…

I realized today I’m not getting any younger. That by 27 years old , I will be officially old. I have to think fast. I feel so stagnant as a waste water.

Ewwww.

The love affair

I told myself this doesn’t have to be lengthy.

 

It has been awhile since I have thought of you, I have always just dreamt of you but feared you mostly. It has been five years since I have seen you last and it was always through someone else’s eyes. I distinctly remember that time I tried to come near you, I was standing behind you on that store window you were within arms reach but decided to hold back. I held back because of fear, fear of opening old doors that I am not prepared for in actuality but have always rehearsed. It has been five years, and tonight I would be opening something new or it would be more of something old and unfinished.

 

Tonight everything is clouded by panic and shortness of breath, I can remember the last time I had this feeling but it was with someone who I thought would be crashing my world into pieces. But even then it was different because the facts were laid out and I just had to hear it for myself, this time though it would be all about me, cards laid out and exposed.

 

They say that your greatest enemy is yourself, and that you should live your life with the right amount of caution and as much as possible a little bit of regret. They also say that timing is of the essence but who gets to decide when is the right time?

 

As these thoughts run through my head I begin to rethink my decision of letting you back into my life. But then again this is a make or break situation and like all relationships it needs time to build a foundation and the right chemistry. They have found theirs and now it’s time to find mine. I cannot promise you that this would be the last time that you would be hearing from me. I cannot also promise that I would be consistent. All I know is I am doing this for myself, and that there is no better time than now to know, and to accept.

 

—–

It has been years, around five I think since I attempted to write my first short story. I only showed it to a few people, two that I can remember. One of which told me that I can be a good romantic writer and to this day I cannot place myself whether I should be insulted or not.

 

With that take off point I wrote this essay? in a tone that I believe I am good at. I wrote about “writing” as a lover because with this I know I can never go wrong.

 

Time is on our side.

Everything reveals itself in time. There is no need for us to rush. Each day seems to be more and more crucial and it scares me to a point sometimes. We gamble each day and the stakes are high but still a new day awaits us and we have to move forward.

Now Accepting Donations…

I have always wanted a chow chow, last sunday I fell inlove with this young fellow…

That is why I am now accepting donations, rakets to purchase a cute little monster like this.

I want a cream colored chow now!

If you love someone,ask them for nothing…

Don’t hold them back from their destiny.

Don’t keep them from going off in search of their own answers.

Don’t ask them for commitment.
You will know commitment is real when it is something given willingly and not as something obligatory.

Don’t ask them for promises.

If you are patient, if you have faith, you will know in your heart when the right time for promises has come.

And when that time arrives,
then you will see that you have both lost nothing by setting each other free,
and have instead gained a richer, fuller life,
a wealth of experiences,
and a stronger certainty of your desires.

But should they not return to you,
then life hasn’t cheated you because no promises were broken.
Your bitterness will not last long,
and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least,
this beautiful soul has colored your life,
that knowing them has already made life infinitely more meaningful.

By setting a person free,
you run a risk of them not returning.
But always remember that you found them beautiful precisely because they were free.
People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth, and their glow,
but you can’t hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever.

People CHOOSE to stay.

But a choice is made more meaningful when it is made despite so many other options.

Love has no restrictions and it is through mistakes that sometimes we see the right answer.

Because if you love someone,
you ask them for nothing
and they will come back to you.